Who I Once Was…

It’s weird to think of who I once was. I’ve never been particularly heading to greatness as I imagine some people are from a young age, those with professional, stable parents. I suppose you can expect great things from those people. I’m not really expected to do anything great by anybody.

At times in the past I’ve felt incredibly lonely, then I got into a relationship and I wasn’t lonely. I had a person to ramble to constantly. That’s how my relationships tend to go, a constant flow of communication. When each relationship fell apart I struggled to cope because I was back to feeling more lonely than ever, and also worthless. My last break-up was the most significant I guess because I lost so much more. I lost a home. I lost my life and that had a huge impact on me. I had no where to go, not really. I stayed on my brother’s sofa but that didn’t work out, I stayed at a friend’s girlfriend’s house but that didn’t work out and then I stayed at my mom and sister’s which was too far from the only truly stable thing that I had ever had which was my job in Penkridge. The job that changed things for me no matter how bitter I am that it ended. For a period of time I drank almost daily, I stayed out drinking and smoking alone in beer gardens, clenching my teeth. I didn’t realise it until a friend that I no longer have anymore told me that I was suffering from anxiety. I didn’t get home until late. I wasn’t eating properly and because I lived so far from work I had to get up around 5am which for me is hell. I wasn’t living properly. I wasn’t coping with how suddenly lonely and homeless I was. I’m not proud of those days. I’m not proud of the times where I got so crazily drunk or the times that I (also drunk) cut myself. Before that job I was headed no where, I had nothing going for me. I was shit. I was lonely, lazy and depressed. I had no career prospects and a blank CV. Wine became a friend. I remember buying 3 bottles of wine at a very reasonable price and drinking in my room. I feel like there were many dark years for me when I was younger. I basically had no hope. I had rubbish grades and no work experience. My parents had divorced years ago, my mom was depressed. I had no role model.

My life is far from a dream now but I grew up and I guess I never gave up trying. It’s still crazy to say that I have two children. Me. That crazy girl. I’m responsible and loving. I can’t say I’m organised because come on, I have a demon toddler and a baby, my home is one big play room. I’m a counselling student too. I’ve got my placement sorted for next year, I’m going to start actually being a counsellor. I’ve had some further thoughts on career stuff and I’ve decided I’m interested in doing Relate’s relationship course, I get to skip a few steps because I’ll have a masters by this point. I think relationships are interesting. I think I’d be good at it, I can massively relate to struggling with the breakdown of a relationship and I can understand the struggles that come with them too. As well as doing that I’d also like to get involved in suicide prevention. I’ve never given suicide any serious thought myself but I know someone who took their own life last Christmas and I’ve been doing a little reading on it, nothing major so far, just Wikipedia articles about Chester and Chris. I find it haunting that people make the decision to end everything; I’m haunted by how terribly alone they must feel. Over the years I’d like to do a lot of reading on this and I guess the dream would be to start my own charity. Another area that I find really interesting is crime. I’d give some consideration to taking a course relating to this and to working in a prison. I’ll always be training and I find that exciting.

My life is so different to how it used to be and I’m so happy it is. I’ve got my shit together a lot more. Teenage me would fall out of her seat if she saw my life now.

Stay classy folks and always reach out to people, whoever it may be.

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