I felt like I had been waiting ages for today. ASMR has been a significant part of my life for several years but I hadn’t thought about creating my own videos in a long time until June. I’ve already mentioned that I created my YouTube account on the 9th of July. Over two months ago I started making numerous plans for my channel and I asked for equipment and “props” for my Birthday. I’ve got so many ideas that I’m excited about…
Today I finally packed my equipment up and headed to Milford. I tried Seven Springs yesterday to no avail. The weather has severely gotten in the way this month, endless rain and wind. Because of the career set back recently I’ve been putting so much thought into making ASMR videos and I’ve felt so frustrated whilst I’ve been waiting for today. But today finally came and I felt so much joy trudging into the forest with what would seem like strange items to be carrying into a forest. One of which was a large rattan tray. A man made me smile even more when he made a joke about it being too late to make the forestry calendar entry. People seem to be so lovely at Cannock Chase, every passer by said hello on my walk searching for a place to film yesterday. So, there I am smiling away like a happy son-of-a-bitch on my way to begin what will hopefully be a life-enhancing journey. My idea for this video was simple, I wanted to make herbal tea in the forest. If you know ASMR you won’t be confused at this point, I of course made sounds with everything. Though this idea was a simple one, I’m a very specific person at times and I have ridiculous standards. The tea isn’t any old tea, I bought single organic dried herbs that I researched, then tried individually, then I combined them and I got a little obsessed with herbal tea. I bought a Royal Albert tea cup and saucer and a glass teapot so that the ingredients and tea can be seen. I wanted to play with the ingredients so for this I needed coconut bowls of course. I knew exactly how I wanted the video to look.
Then of course it wasn’t as easy as it sounds and it turns out that ASMR creating isn’t peaceful. Every plane in the damn world went by overhead, and there were the noisiest workers, digging and smashing and reversing their huge vehicles. And then people, all of them with their kids. A few stopped to gawk at the strange person with a teapot and camera out *wave*. I also had to deal with the horror of my camera battery being low but I had to keep stopping because of all the noise. At this point, I don’t know if it’ll be relaxing because I didn’t have enough battery to check each shot. Anyway… It’s done, but I had to rush the ending. It’s going to take a while to edit because I don’t know what I’m doing and because my Surface Pro isn’t so pro, the keyboard, mouse and pen don’t work for it, it just won’t connect to anything so I’m going to try to edit using touch screen. Even if it’s more difficult I hope it works. At the moment I’m happy with what I’ve filmed and whilst it’s mostly for me and a way to be creative I also hope people like it. I hope to upload it in a week’s time, 2 at most. After I filmed my last shot, I felt so elated whilst I drank my tea, I loved that feeling. There’ll be 2 versions, non-talking and whispering. This will take a while because it needs to be perfect, I’ve recorded a few minutes worth in advance but I need to edit the video and then work on what I want to say. Then onto my meditation, pendulum video! I’m mostly prepared for this one but I need to exchange 2 out of 3 pendulums and do some research on meditation.
Recently I wrote about taking a gap year from my counselling studies which was a difficult decision that I didn’t need to make. Shortly after deciding to take a break I received a letter that knocked me. I have been kicked off the course… which doesn’t seem bad if I was taking a year out but they kicked me off before a piece of work could be marked and I lost a transcript in my Gmail account that took me hours to write, on top of that I’m not able to do my placement hours. A bit screwed really. It means that I might have to retake the whole bastard year. A nightmare. I’ve been feeling low for about a month now, like my future that I desperately wanted is gone. It’s not gone, I know that but it felt that way. It took so much effort to get where I am and I passed everything, that’s not why I lost my place on the course. I lost it because the fees are too high and I’m unable to work without paying a fortune on nursery fees, cancelling out the point of working. That doesn’t mean I’d rather sit on my ass and do nothing, I want to work but then I won’t get to see my children much and despite how limited-minded I used to be about mothers (or fathers) who stayed at home, I want to be around to raise my kids, I would miss them too much.
So I got a bottle of Pimms. I sulked, I cried, I felt depressed. Even through this I was still trying to claw my way to a better life. Even if it takes another decade from now I’m going to have financial stability and independence. I will not rely on anyone for money. For now, not so much but later on I will have that. I applied for a job at Aldi and I’ve got an assessment soon, I’ve spoken to Relate and I might be able to train with them once I get clinical hours. Yesterday the placement that I secured almost a year ago have offered me a place on their bereavement course starting in September and said that after completing that they’d like me to still work with them, which I accepted. It’s unpaid but it’ll be helpful for my future, counselling career or not and if Relate allow it I might do their courses, I might even eventually study their course on Psychosexual Therapy because I imagine there’s good money in it (no shame in that). We’ll see what they say about my placement. It’s odd because they want their students to hold a level 4 qualification and mine is level 6 but without clinical hours. I haven’t given up on Keele yet but I’m always looking at other options. I even went as far to enquire about massage courses again and then I realised my issue is I need (yes need) a qualification, not just a decent paid job, I need the security of a good qualification.
Last thing is my Youtube channel, I’ve thought of loads of ideas, some days I send myself 5+ ideas via email. Today my Birthday gifts that I chose are arriving from Amazon, including a Tascam recorder with in-built mic. I’ve done my research about mics and I think this one will be a good one. I’ve also learnt that it’s important to record audio separately to the video which I probably should already have realised. I probably won’t upload until the end of August because I need a couple more props and I need to sort out editing software which might not be easy with the two laptops that I have. I’m not after fame, I’d enjoy some appreciation of my creations but mostly I’m doing it for personal enjoyment. I’m already enjoying myself just writing down endless ideas. I’ve decided not to open today’s new arrivals until my Birthday unless there is another storm which is meant to be on Tuesday. I’d like to record the sounds, I was disappointed that I couldn’t record the recent storm, it sounded amazing, even though it was keeping me awake. I’m also intending to create other kinds of videos, an apocalypse video which I think I’ve already briefly mentioned.
Okay, that’s all for now, good day!
I’ve been watching ASMR since I was 18 which makes it around 8-9 years. During one of my low points my brother told me to watch whisper videos on YouTube and I did (hooray). At first I watched a lot of guided meditations, I meandered through forests and I listened to the sounds of the sea. A lot of these were spoken with soft, quiet voices. I listened to a Welsh gentleman whispering outdoors (The Whispering Voice), I listened to WhisperCrystal and I watched Lilium’s original channel amongst various others. At some point I stubbled across a video of a woman playing with her blonde hair and giving the old hair flick with quite a sassy facial expression. My honest first thought was that she was self-absorbed. This person, ladies and gentlemen, is Maria, Gentle Whispering, who I have been subscribed to since her previous marriage and is one of the biggest names in ASMR. I don’t know where the term ASMR came from but it took over the “whisper community” some time ago. Lately, I’ve been checking out people’s first videos because on the 9th of July I opened my second ASMR channel, second only because I created one when I was 19 and never uploaded any videos, I made a couple of terrible quality videos but then I guess I gave up and stayed in my depression. I haven’t created any videos yet but I have 11 ideas at the moment and instead of getting a game console for my Birthday I’ve asked for equipment and props for my videos.
Theres no way I can know if I’ll stick at this beyond this year and there’s no way to know my channel will be successful but by the end of August I hope to upload my first video and I’m excited about creating a Halloween video, I’ll be burning sage and boiling a potion if all goes well with my first and second videos.
I’m never going to ask for people to like or subscribe, that’s not my style but I’ve already started to comment on other people’s ASMR videos from my new account as a subtle way to gain subscribers. I’ve gotten over 200 likes on a comment on Gentle Whispering’s video which is a lot to me.
I’m not fearful of mentioning money, I’d love for this to eventually help financially like it does for so many people. It’s basically the dream job, I can’t put it into any good words but I love coming up with ideas. Ideas have always come quickly to me and I’m very creative. Imagine having a job that you not only enjoy but that you love! I’m looking for that. I don’t want to spend my life doing a job that makes me unhappy. I’m not saying this will be a job, it might be nothing but I don’t deny that making money isn’t hugely appealing.
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I’ve never been any good at accepting that I will be ordinary, I fully accept that I am now but somewhere, years ago I decided I could be something great in the future. It’s the thought that keeps me going. Right now I’m trying to accept that I will probably need to take a gap year out of my counselling course; walk away with my sanity just about intact. The past 2 years haven’t been an easy ride. Finding out that I was pregnant with Florence put a spanner in the works to some degree. I’ve managed to pass everything so far with 2 very young children who need my attention all day, everyday and I guess I need to hold onto that. A gap year is just a gap but to me it’ll feel like forever because for a year I won’t be anything, I’ll be a mom and maybe I’ll get to do voluntary counselling but I won’t be getting any closer to being able to say “I’m a counsellor” when people ask about me, it’ll be “I’m a stay-at-home-mom”, wow, well done. And if another stay-at-home mom stubbles across this and is offended: this is my shit, it could be perfectly enough for other mom’s and I don’t hold negative judgement. My shit is, I need more from life. I need the hobby, the job to be proud of, the lovely, intelligent children (I have that one, my children are my pride and joy). Lets just say if I was ever single and on Plenty of Fish again I don’t want to be stumped on what to write about myself. Back then I literally had nothing to write and that wasn’t an enjoyable realisation.
I’ll be busy in my gap year. I have my two children first of all. Yesterday Eva and Florence completed their first swimming term at Gust! I’m so proud of them, they’re going to be great swimmers and won’t need to be taught to swim at school. I’ll be taking them swimming all year. I’d also like to start making videos, we called them “art installation videos” at college. Years ago, I think I was in Oxford at the time visiting Jade at university, I wanted to make a zombie video to an eerie track, just a series of clips, abandoned objects, hints of destruction, mostly in black and white aside from maybe a flash of red at the end. I found a Katatonia song at the time, maybe I’ll be able to find it again. I want to put the videos on Youtube with the one I uploaded 9 years ago, check it out, maybe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKF-9saGuOU . I even wrote in the description that I wanted to make many more. I don’t think I’ll ever get much of a following with this type of video but that’s okay, I think I’ll really enjoy making them. Another thing I’d like to do is kayaking in the Lake District. I’ve wanted to do it for years too and I think I’m going to this year.
It’ll be a relief to take a year out, I’ve been stressed for 2 years but I’m proud of where I am right now. I hope I’m always ambitious, it’s been so good to have so much hope and so many ideas. I’m hoping that I can do some voluntary counselling in a prison and maybe finally pass my driving test this year. Even in a gap year I’m ambitious..
I like baths. Baths are my break from chaos. My life feels chaotic and sometimes I wonder if I’m going to lose my mind a little. Just a little. My life consists of chore after chore, demand after demand. There’s no rest from it. From the moment I wake up until the end of time I have cleaning to do, and the endless tasks of being a parent. I’m also doing a Masters in Counselling and the word “doing” is an exaggeration. I’m behind on my work. I wanted to be a trooper. I wanted to storm my way through parenthood whilst being a masters student. It’s as insane as it sounds. I have a 2 and a half year old and an almost 1 year old. I don’t have time for essays, I don’t have time of my own. So I have baths on what I consider to be breaks. Eva is having her nap and Florence is in her jumperoo (stand up kind of seat that a baby can bob up and down in safely-?). I’ve decided that on my Birthday I want to drink champagne (I’ll settle for decent cava) and I want to drop a Lush bath bomb in the bath and get in it. There’ll be water too, not just me, champagne and a bath bomb.
Yesterday I started doing simple exercises because I think I’ve got diastasis recti. It sounds worse than it is. That sounds like a bum related disease. It’s not. It’s the separation of the stomach muscles which is common after pregnancy. I pretty much had back-to-back pregnancies and never really did much (anything at all) to tone up. Let’s just say my stomach is very attractive. Mostly I’m not too upset by it but I recently developed an obsession with underwear. I got some Tommy Hilfiger underwear and I have matching things! But then I noticed my… droopy stomach and well, I wasn’t a fan. So, I’ve started some exercises to sort the underlying issue (the diastasis recti) and then I want to tone up all over. I have so many insecurities about my body but I’m trying to accept the way that I look. That doesn’t mean I can’t improve some of it naturally though. I don’t have time or motivation for the gym and everything can be done from home anyway. I’m interested in Pilates or yoga though and I’d like to maybe join a class. I don’t really know what Pilates is but it’s similar to yoga and I don’t know, it involves a mat and… yeah, I need to watch some videos on it. I think it helps with the core muscles…
It’s Florence’s 1st Birthday next month and we’re getting her a ridiculously expensive bear that she can’t play with. And regular baby toys. Eva also had a special bear, she’s held it a bunch of times but it’s a sentimental gift for when she’s older. I got it with the intention that she’d see photos of her with it when she’s little (though I stupidly didn’t take one from her 1st Birthday) and she’d keep it forever. These bears are so gorgeous. I want one!
Anyway, life is all about ASMR in the bath. ASMR has become such a huge craze now, it’s strange to see it everywhere.
Today I’ve bought multi-vitamins and powder to add to juice that contains vitamins, I’ve also bought orange juice and a single serving bottle of multi-vitamin juice. I’ve been feeling unwell for over 2 months. It started as the flu. I found it really difficult to take care of my kids. Unfortunately being a parent doesn’t include sick-breaks, I don’t know how I got through it. Since then I’ve felt generally unwell and exhausted. I still have common cold symptoms and around 2 weeks ago I started to get headaches everyday. I’ve been taking painkillers for 2 weeks also. Headaches aren’t normal for me, especially not daily headaches. I wake up to one everyday. I also can’t taste or smell fully. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’ve already Googled “tumour” like a dramatic son-of-a-bitch. It got me thinking though, we could get ill at any point. It could start off by feeling run-down, by your immune system not coping, by getting headaches. My 80 years of life isn’t guaranteed. I might have just a year left, or maybe 5. That shit is terrifying. I can’t bear the thought of knowing I’m terminally ill and just trying to continue with my life, and trying to somehow fit in. How do you have a conversation with a person who is terminally ill? I remember this experience with my mom’s ex boyfriend who passed away. We met up with him twice during the short time that he had left. I didn’t know what to say to him, I couldn’t think of anything appropriate. I imagine that it’s impossible to belong in this world for a lot of people. And tragically lonely. My current essay is on coping with loss so maybe that’s playing on my mind a little.
I have an actual plan to leave the house without the children, be out in public and drink a few beers soon! This is huge for me, the only time I ever go out is to uni. It’s so important to still have a life as a parent but aside from uni, which is only ever stressful, I’ve got nothing. I’m trying to pay attention to that; I’m much more than just a parent. I believe in being absolutely devoted to my kids and still wanting my own life. Both things should exist together and I’m going to try to go out occasionally.
I really ought to get working on my essay now. I really ought to write something moderately interesting soon too…
Bath blog therapy.
I have a busy week this week. I’m double booked tomorrow. I have my counselling session and Eva’s development review. I told my counsellor about the clash and asked if he had another time available, he did but it wasn’t helpful, so I told him I’d try to reschedule the appointment which was booked about six weeks ago. I tried that too and we’d have to wait another month for an appointment and I’m not waiting; I’m kind of looking forward to the appointment. I had to fill out forms that I’ll take with me and Eva ticks all of the boxes. I’ve thought for a while now that she’s a very clever little girl. She’s just two and she can talk very well. I might start taking small videos of her interacting and share them on Instagram. Yesterday we played in her grandparents garden and it took me back to my childhood. I loved being outside all day. I loved nature. I reconnected with that side of me yesterday with the best company. Eva is able to understand emotions quite well. If she has been selfish, I’ll react by telling her how I feel and I start to walk away from her. She immediately fixes the problem and asks if I’m okay and if it’s better. The kid is 2! My work is done *dusts off hands*. I know some people might not agree with my walking away but calm down, I’m not really going anywhere. It’s important to me that Eva is kind. I feel fortunate to have another beautiful little girl who is very quickly growing up. She’s recently learned to crawl backwards. Florence helps me to teach Eva to share, though she has no idea. Eva is such a sociable girl, she always talks to people in shops. If you don’t smile when she tries to interact with you, you have no soul. I’m so so proud of her.
She starts nursery next week and I’m so looking forward to her progress there.
I’m currently working on my 3rd essay, I got to choose the title myself. It’s about how people cope with loss, not limited to grieving a death. I haven’t got my mark back from essay number 2 and I won’t get it for a while yet; I handed the bugger in late (with an agreed extension of course). It turns out that I’m doing too much at once and whilst it wasn’t hugely logical to do the course with two young children, I’m proud of myself anyway.