I know I’ll get shit for writing on here because it’s deemed as unacceptable but who else can I talk to?
I started my new job recently and I’m now being slated for it by my mom. She thinks I’m a bad mother for putting my daughter into nursery. Eva loves nursery and I got this job so that I could pay for my uni fees which would benefit Eva in the long run. I’ve recently been told that the second and third years are not funded. I can’t pay for the course but I’m desperate to have a career. Today I have applied for a Professional and Career Development Loan knowing how slim my chances are of being granted it. It’s worth a try. I don’t know how to let go of having this career.
My ex and I don’t get on at all but I’m stuck here. His answer to me questioning his billion, crazy lies is to say ‘What about you and Will?’. He deflects every time. I’m open about my wrong-doings and I have valid reasons for them. My head is battered after two years with him. I can’t think straight and I have no where to live. My hope is dwindling. I don’t know how you can ruin someone like this and then avoid telling the truth even further. He tells me that he’s bored of my shit. He doesn’t realise how much it’s destroyed me. I don’t know how to get out or how to survive on the money that I’ll be getting from my job. I have no support. I’m stuck here losing my mind. Even if I get this loan I can’t afford to move out and I can’t afford to get by. I hugely regret this relationship. It’s bought me nothing but pain and now I’m stuck. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and walk away from what started out as a head fuck anyway. It’s a joke that he throws the Will thing at me because he was dating someone else. He was up to fuck knows what. Then it turns out that he was telling his mate that he was in love with her. I have to move out but how? I’m sat in a real heap of shit. My head is fucked. I can’t hold on much longer.
I need to find a way out.
I have started a new project that I’m really excited about.
For around a week or so I’ve been ordering many samples of canvas from various companies. I’m searching for a high quality, durable canvas because I want to make bags.
Around 2 weeks ago I decided that I would start this project. Each day I have a new idea. From day 1 I knew I wanted the bags to be primarily made from canvas. My idea is to make canvas messenger bags with a vintage style print on the flap of the bag.
Today my order has arrived from Minerva Crafts and I’m even more excited.
I have many ideas already including wax canvas laptop bags and rucksacks for children. I have some specific plans and I will start making my first bag this weekend.
I have a brilliant sewing machine that I got new but second hand on Father’s Day.
I’m so pleased with my order. And I’m very happy with the samples I’ve been receiving, still more to come. I have lots of thinking and planning to do.
I’m going to do this right. Later this year I would like to list my bags on Etsy.
I’ve just seen a status on Facebook. Someone is off to Download festival in the morning. I’m not huge on metal anymore but I wish I was going. I wish I was packing my bag right now, getting my wellies out etc. I wish my life was different. 5 carefree days ahead in the mud, in the liberating madness. Without a care in the world. With a bunch of close friends.
Instead I’m here living out my life, not knowing how to be happy. Not knowing if I’ll be okay.
I wish I had seen a glimpse into my future. If I had seen things could be very different right now.
I don’t know how to fix this mess. Nothing leads to happiness.
The past two years have been a huge mistake. What’s worse is that I knew I was making a mistake. I still have my story and despite the insensitivity of writing it here I think I will one day so that a few people can understand what I’ve been through. Then maybe I will feel a little comforted knowing that people know.
The relationship part of my life is over for now unless I find myself in a fairytale-like situation. Now my life is firstly about making things better and secondly about enjoying my life and finding happiness and independence alone.
I’m not heart-broken because I could never entirely invest in that relationship. It has never worked. I’m meant to tell people that I played a part and that’s part of the long story. I’m hurt, of course, and I’m feeling a sense of loss. Mostly though I’m entirely lost in life. I’ve never really lived. As an adult life has been all about relationships and I’ve never really lived a life being alone which I think is vital.
This has been a brief and pointless post I guess but I don’t have anyone I want to talk to about any of this.
Today I’m dressed in silk. Gorgeous yellow silk. Today I walk through a meadow, wild flowers adorn the ground. I sweep my hand through them.
You feed on what you take from me but today I breathe in light. I shine. Today I’m your friend and I offer my hand to you. I have something to share and that something is within.
I had an interview on Friday. The previous week I found a job. Support worker, requiring one year of experience working in mental health. I don’t have that but I thought I’d apply and add a nice measage about my year at uni and about my upcoming counselling course. Maybe they would humour me. I got an email later that day. Their recruitment lady wanted to arrange a date and time to call. When she finally called we chatted briefly. I offered my most positive and confident side (which I do have, shockingly). The call ended and I felt hopeful. I was told that the manager would be in touch. Not an hour later the recruitment woman called back and invited me to an interview. My hopes were way up. See, this job is so relevant to my career choice that it should count as experience. If I stick to my goals I will walk into a good job in three years time. I’ll have a graduate certificate, a masters and experience working with people with mental health disorders. All in 3 years. I will be an ideal candidate. I finally have a set life plan. Anyway, I have been offered the job today which I accepted. I felt overwhelmed for a moment that my plan is actually working. I’m on the ladder, I’m ready for the climb. Not only do I have a perfect job, I now have a means to pay for my course. People told me to focus on other things and I didn’t listen. I won’t listen because I know what I’m doing. I will be a career mom and Eva will have a happy and safe childhood because I’m going to really work for it. I might not get to spend loads of time with my baby but she’ll hopefully look up to me forever. I want her to have hopes like I’ve always had.
Today I’m proud of myself.
Today Eva and I went to a Christening. Whilst there it hit me that I’m a single mother now. I never thought I would be, I guess a lot of people who have a child don’t expect to be alone. I wanted to get married and share my life with someone but for now I’m going to focus on other things.
I’m looking for a job and a home in Stafford. I’m looking for a new life I suppose. It’s odd when you get out of a relationship, it feels like your life could go in any direction. It feels like you can be a new person. The thought is quite thrilling but the reality could be quite lonely.
I’m trying to be positive in the huge amount of negative.
Sometimes I’m really angry that I can’t fix things. Sometimes I’m so focused on what my life could become. I’m also afraid of lonely evenings after work or uni and after my daughter has gone to bed. Will I be so consumed by my life that I don’t think too much about it or will I feel lost?
I don’t know how I’ll even get a home. It’s not easy when you have no money. That worries me…
In years to come I might say those words. I might be that person dancing through life with an air of grace.
What she said to me was that I was nothing. Something I already knew. She didn’t say it so bluntly though. She hid behind the same mask that most people slip on every morning.
We tell people that we’re there for them. In spirit, in heart, in person. It doesn’t matter how we mean it, it’s usually nothing more than a comforting lie.
I feel like I’m a prosecutor in a courtroom. I feel like I’m also the defence. I gather my evidence and I tell myself that I won’t convict anyone, I’ll only save myself. I put the evidence back in its box and I take out a different box. Inside this box are my happy thoughts. Thoughts I cling to. They get me through the day.
One day I will say those words. One day you’ll see me and you’ll see that I don’t need a mask.
I have many thoughts right now.
I’m thinking about how suffocatinly lonely it’ll be to sit down in my new home with boxes around me with no one to talk to (aside from my baby of course).
I’m thinking about how broken my relationship has been. How much that hurts.
I’m thinking that things aren’t meant to be this way. Life should be happier. A baby shouldn’t have a broken family. A baby should have everything but her life started with very little family. So none of it has been right.
I’m also thinking about the bigger picture. So many people have to suffer through this and I’m just one of millions. I’m not the only one to feel this low for these reasons.
Another thought is when he moves on with someone else. That stomach plummeting feeling that isolates me from positivity.
My strength is Eva. My other strength is the hope to be on this course in September. No one understands how much I need it.