Today Eva has returned to nursery. For 4 reasons, firstly, I think I’ve already had Covid-19, secondly, I’ve had to work throughout so she’s been at a higher risk anyway, thirdly, the likelihood of her health being seriously affected is so low and the 4th reason is that she loves nursery. I feel like it’s probably controversial but I’m happy with my decision.
Recently I decided to start a crystal business. I enjoy my endless ideas and ambitions. I’ve been in the fascinating world of crystals on Instagram for a few months now. I pour myself a generous glass of wine and watch the sales for hours. I’ve probably watched about 20. There’s a fair few people practically addicted to buying/collecting. And live sales are addictive, especially if it’s competitive. The customer watching the live sale claims the crystal they want by saying something like “claim 35b” and the person who shows up on the sellers phone first gets it. Very interesting when it’s a rare piece and exhilarating if you get a great piece over others. That’s the selfish side of it for me but it’s also magical and friendly, mostly. I’ve got a few rare pieces myself and a few on the way this week.
My sister and I talked about selling crystals and decided to start a little business together but we have different ideas and I wanted to start it right away and she didn’t which is okay. So, on pay day, last Friday I paid for my first wholesale order! It didn’t cost a wild amount, it’s 1 of 2 orders, the next one is next payday. I won’t be making profit initially because I’ll have to order more crystals, if anything I’m very likely to lose money for a little while but still, it’ll hopefully mostly pay for itself. I ordered crystals from Africa, mostly from Madagascar. Like any business I knew I needed a USP, and I’ve seen my competition, not that I really see it that way. I’m going to have 2 main USPs initially: i’ll be making 925, bezel set pendants out of mostly rare crystals, I’ve already started collecting pieces and the other USP is themed live sales. I’ve seen themes before but not like this theme, it’s going to be flames, ice and eggs… It’s basically inspired by Game of Thrones but, I’ll use other words. The flames are carnelian which is mostly orange and red and they’re, as you might imagine carved and polished into flame shapes. The ice is sugar quartz that looks..like..ice. Really beautiful and fairly rare. And I found a special type of tourmaline that reminds me of the throne. I’ve only bought one piece of that because it’s rare but I’m really hoping to buy more this month. I bought a really amazing smoky quartz that I’m going to hate parting with and some tiger’s eye towers.
I’m going to take my favourite pieces to Cannock Chase shortly after they arrive to take photos. Cannock Chase is such a special place. Last summer I filmed myself making herbal tea and this summer I’m going to be taking photos of beautiful crystals. I’m really excited. More and relevant exciting news is that I landed myself a golden opportunity last night. A successful local (super local to me) crystal seller that I’ve followed for a few months is looking for people to join their giveaway. I responded the moment I saw it and I’m involved in that. As soon as my first wholesale order arrives I’ll take the chosen crystal to Cannock Chase and get beautiful photos of it and it’ll be given away to the winner. It’s lovely to be a part of it and what a great way to start my little business off, it gets my name out there. I hope to be successful and to be a part of this community. I think there’s space for my ideas in the UK. Photos are going to be so key. An abudance of nature. A love for the planet. A kindness that will always be needed.
The other day I decided to get back to writing on here. Just little pieces of life. I sometimes think when I die people close to me could read these and they might mean something. I said sometimes. It’s not like that’s what this blog is for. . I like that this place has been here through all of these years. From a lost teenager, to a only slightly less lost adult ha..
This year I have returned to my interest in the earth, in particular, crystals and minerals. I watch live sales and mostly I don’t buy anything, I just enjoy watching other people buy crystals. I really enjoy it when people love a crystal, they see a particular one and they’re excited about it, then when they receive it they take photos of it. I don’t know how to explain it but I love the simplicity of that and the appreciation. It made me realise that I don’t have the same innate appreciation of anything. I wanted a smoky citrine, they’re so pretty but I noticed that it bothered me that they weren’t sought after, like I would have bought one if other people were more interested in them. Then at the end of the live sale where these particular beauties are, someone brought a nice big one and then I realised how truly special they are. I’ll get one hopefully when I can afford one. Instead, I bought a trolleite and I didn’t really appreciate that until the following day. It looks like a painting of the sea. I can’t wait to put it next to my bed. I think I only appreciated it when I realised how big my ego is sometimes. I’ve always wanted recognition and to a point I’ll always seek it.
There are two communities that I’m a part of now, ASMR and Crystals. I don’t know how I feel about the spirituality/energy side of crystals and I’m definitely not the kind of person to read horoscopes, not that they’re tied together but I’m probably not alone in assuming a lot of crystal lovers like all kinds of nonsensical crap. I do believe in the earth’s energy though. 8 year old Kayleigh loved nature and crystals and almost 28 year old Kayleigh does too and that’s special.
When our lock down is over I want to go to Cannock Chase and enjoy being my tree-hugging self. I sometimes put my hand on a tree and have a moment. I haven’t been at work this week because I’ve had a cough, nothing serious, but I’ve stayed at home because I was advised by 111 and of course to potentially protect lives. The bizarre has almost become normal now…
Stay safe and hug a tree x
You just know when someone doesn’t care. I knew there was no point saying much more than what I did because that woman doesn’t like her life. She doesn’t give a shit that I left my purse at home because I was at home making a pom pom monster whilst drinking a glass of wine and I completely forgot that this virus has changed the closing times of shops. I was really looking forward to spicy chicken. And my Christ I couldn’t find the damn soft mints. I feel guilty every time I let my kids down in any way. She’s waited for a pack of soft mints all day and I couldn’t find them and couldn’t pay for them. I didn’t say a lot to the cashier which probably pissed her off but I just knew she was a miserable bitch. There’s no point in talking to those kinds of people. It’s an interesting phenomenon; deciding, with very little information, that someone is an asshole. It’s like a bad energy. It takes 2 seconds to see it and I don’t even really realise I’ve decided that someone isn’t kind. That, of course, could be because they’re unhappy which I should appreciate after my training. But it just makes me angry. I’ve got no chicken, or burgers, or bacon and no soft mints. So now I’m drinking wine again… I really want spicy chicken…
I’m suddenly feeling very alone. One nosy moment and my mood is changed. It’s a loss that I don’t like to acknowledge because it was a rejection that impacted me, no matter how much I bottle it up. Not only that but the nosiness has made me realise how alone I am now.
I sometimes wish I could be simple and just appreciate what I’ve got. But loneliness is a tricky one, it’s not easily quelled by money or hobbies. It festers in a dark corner, it’s unreachable. I can’t grab it. I can hardly comprehend it’s presence but it’s lurking and it always feels hard to acquaint.
I started a new job on Tuesday and I’m enjoying it (to a point) but even that doesn’t offend my lurking friend. All it takes is one moment of comparing myself to almost anyone and my dark friend steps a little closer. I’m still making ASMR videos and I’ve now got an Instagram account and Twitter too and I often interact with other people who make ASMR videos but that isn’t the same as having a bunch of “real friends”. Sometimes I just fancy a bottle of wine and a smoke and to let my old me in just for a few hours. I kind of liked that crazy bitch sometimes. I liked being able to just sink. Maybe I got so used to sinking…
(I’m all good, just letting some emotion out)
Just one more herbal tea. I’m trying to revisit Dracula but my mind won’t relax enough to become absorbed; I do like the story a lot though. I’ve had this WordPress account for so long now, I like that I still write here in the same old place. I’ve never been after readers really, I told a few people about my account and most of those people aren’t a part of my life anymore so it’s just my little place, a quiet writing spot. I’m kinda proud of myself for how me and my life has changed since 2011. Who was that teenager? I could go there some time, maybe it would be interesting (and painful).
Anyway last night I uploaded my 2nd ASMR video to YouTube and I’m enjoying (almost) every minute of the process of it. Who knew I’d ever edit again after college? I taught myself the basics and I now have Adobe Premiere Pro. I’ve always been an “ideas nut” and coming up with ideas for videos comes easy for me, it’s just down to affording the ideas. I’m so absorbed in what I’m doing that it makes it easy to forget about university for now which I needed because it’s September… I’m planning a Halloween video that I’m excited about. I love Halloween but I never do much to celebrate. I found few items at TK Maxx (is it double x!?), such as a wooden pestle and mortar and lovely Halloween candles and I ordered a blood drop pendant which isn’t as tacky as it sounds. So yeah, screw you uni, I’m swamped! It feels a little lonely though because it’s taking up so much of my time but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. That’s okay though, I’m still so happy to have a passion and a way to be creative. It’s also got me thinking about mental health more and I think going to see the Linkin Park tribute band with my sister made me go into a strange place a tiny bit, just thinking about how lonely life can be.
It really was just one more herbal tea, I’ve got to cut this short. I want to start writing more often so maybe i’ll add more soon.
I felt like I had been waiting ages for today. ASMR has been a significant part of my life for several years but I hadn’t thought about creating my own videos in a long time until June. I’ve already mentioned that I created my YouTube account on the 9th of July. Over two months ago I started making numerous plans for my channel and I asked for equipment and “props” for my Birthday. I’ve got so many ideas that I’m excited about…
Today I finally packed my equipment up and headed to Milford. I tried Seven Springs yesterday to no avail. The weather has severely gotten in the way this month, endless rain and wind. Because of the career set back recently I’ve been putting so much thought into making ASMR videos and I’ve felt so frustrated whilst I’ve been waiting for today. But today finally came and I felt so much joy trudging into the forest with what would seem like strange items to be carrying into a forest. One of which was a large rattan tray. A man made me smile even more when he made a joke about it being too late to make the forestry calendar entry. People seem to be so lovely at Cannock Chase, every passer by said hello on my walk searching for a place to film yesterday. So, there I am smiling away like a happy son-of-a-bitch on my way to begin what will hopefully be a life-enhancing journey. My idea for this video was simple, I wanted to make herbal tea in the forest. If you know ASMR you won’t be confused at this point, I of course made sounds with everything. Though this idea was a simple one, I’m a very specific person at times and I have ridiculous standards. The tea isn’t any old tea, I bought single organic dried herbs that I researched, then tried individually, then I combined them and I got a little obsessed with herbal tea. I bought a Royal Albert tea cup and saucer and a glass teapot so that the ingredients and tea can be seen. I wanted to play with the ingredients so for this I needed coconut bowls of course. I knew exactly how I wanted the video to look.
Then of course it wasn’t as easy as it sounds and it turns out that ASMR creating isn’t peaceful. Every plane in the damn world went by overhead, and there were the noisiest workers, digging and smashing and reversing their huge vehicles. And then people, all of them with their kids. A few stopped to gawk at the strange person with a teapot and camera out *wave*. I also had to deal with the horror of my camera battery being low but I had to keep stopping because of all the noise. At this point, I don’t know if it’ll be relaxing because I didn’t have enough battery to check each shot. Anyway… It’s done, but I had to rush the ending. It’s going to take a while to edit because I don’t know what I’m doing and because my Surface Pro isn’t so pro, the keyboard, mouse and pen don’t work for it, it just won’t connect to anything so I’m going to try to edit using touch screen. Even if it’s more difficult I hope it works. At the moment I’m happy with what I’ve filmed and whilst it’s mostly for me and a way to be creative I also hope people like it. I hope to upload it in a week’s time, 2 at most. After I filmed my last shot, I felt so elated whilst I drank my tea, I loved that feeling. There’ll be 2 versions, non-talking and whispering. This will take a while because it needs to be perfect, I’ve recorded a few minutes worth in advance but I need to edit the video and then work on what I want to say. Then onto my meditation, pendulum video! I’m mostly prepared for this one but I need to exchange 2 out of 3 pendulums and do some research on meditation.
Recently I wrote about taking a gap year from my counselling studies which was a difficult decision that I didn’t need to make. Shortly after deciding to take a break I received a letter that knocked me. I have been kicked off the course… which doesn’t seem bad if I was taking a year out but they kicked me off before a piece of work could be marked and I lost a transcript in my Gmail account that took me hours to write, on top of that I’m not able to do my placement hours. A bit screwed really. It means that I might have to retake the whole bastard year. A nightmare. I’ve been feeling low for about a month now, like my future that I desperately wanted is gone. It’s not gone, I know that but it felt that way. It took so much effort to get where I am and I passed everything, that’s not why I lost my place on the course. I lost it because the fees are too high and I’m unable to work without paying a fortune on nursery fees, cancelling out the point of working. That doesn’t mean I’d rather sit on my ass and do nothing, I want to work but then I won’t get to see my children much and despite how limited-minded I used to be about mothers (or fathers) who stayed at home, I want to be around to raise my kids, I would miss them too much.
So I got a bottle of Pimms. I sulked, I cried, I felt depressed. Even through this I was still trying to claw my way to a better life. Even if it takes another decade from now I’m going to have financial stability and independence. I will not rely on anyone for money. For now, not so much but later on I will have that. I applied for a job at Aldi and I’ve got an assessment soon, I’ve spoken to Relate and I might be able to train with them once I get clinical hours. Yesterday the placement that I secured almost a year ago have offered me a place on their bereavement course starting in September and said that after completing that they’d like me to still work with them, which I accepted. It’s unpaid but it’ll be helpful for my future, counselling career or not and if Relate allow it I might do their courses, I might even eventually study their course on Psychosexual Therapy because I imagine there’s good money in it (no shame in that). We’ll see what they say about my placement. It’s odd because they want their students to hold a level 4 qualification and mine is level 6 but without clinical hours. I haven’t given up on Keele yet but I’m always looking at other options. I even went as far to enquire about massage courses again and then I realised my issue is I need (yes need) a qualification, not just a decent paid job, I need the security of a good qualification.
Last thing is my Youtube channel, I’ve thought of loads of ideas, some days I send myself 5+ ideas via email. Today my Birthday gifts that I chose are arriving from Amazon, including a Tascam recorder with in-built mic. I’ve done my research about mics and I think this one will be a good one. I’ve also learnt that it’s important to record audio separately to the video which I probably should already have realised. I probably won’t upload until the end of August because I need a couple more props and I need to sort out editing software which might not be easy with the two laptops that I have. I’m not after fame, I’d enjoy some appreciation of my creations but mostly I’m doing it for personal enjoyment. I’m already enjoying myself just writing down endless ideas. I’ve decided not to open today’s new arrivals until my Birthday unless there is another storm which is meant to be on Tuesday. I’d like to record the sounds, I was disappointed that I couldn’t record the recent storm, it sounded amazing, even though it was keeping me awake. I’m also intending to create other kinds of videos, an apocalypse video which I think I’ve already briefly mentioned.
Okay, that’s all for now, good day!