Coming Back

I’m going to absolutely pour my heart out soon.

My story should be fiction.

This isn’t real life. He isn’t a real person. You can reach out to a real person. You can see the good within them. That light that varies from person to person. He is lacking light.


You might have annihilated me now but I promise you I’m coming back from this and this will be my story of strength. You’ve taken a piece of me and in its place will be a denser matter.

I see no human.


I’m coming back.

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The Future of Working

Two days left until I have to let having a career in psychology go. Some of my ideas to find the fees are a bit unrealistic such as working full-time.

Yesterday I thought that there must be a way to work from home. There has to be jobs that only require a phone, a computer and internet. Surely? I’ve applied for one yesterday. It’s only £70 a week but that would help pay my fees. Then I also thought this is the future of working, particularly for parents with young children. There should be more jobs that are suitable for a mom (or dad) who can’t drive and can’t afford childcare. I doubt I’ll get the job I’ve applied for but you’re supposed to work one hour a day, any hour that you choose. I could fit an hour into my day! It doesn’t solve my deposit problem though if I did get a working from home job. 2 Days to find £200. Sometimes I get so angry at the lack of control I have in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been in full control because of money.

I don’t want to be unemployed until Eva is 4. I have to do something

I emailed the course leader, telling her a little about my situation without making it too much of a sob story, I then asked her for an extension for the deposit.

I’m now looking into college courses that I know I will have the same problem with.

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A Dead End


I don’t know at which point it began but I’ve wanted a good career for years. You’d think most people do but from the people I know, that’s not true. I loved English as a subject, language and literature since I found out I wasn’t entirely useless at it like most other subjects. I thought I could do A-levels but I didn’t get the grades. My exams, all of them, were a flop. I failed there, taking away nothing with me from the years of school. I cared about school but I didn’t fully appreciate that not paying attention and not doing my homework etc would result in not being where I had dreamed to be years on. I remember the embarrassment of being told I couldn’t do my chosen A-Level subjects despite being sat amongst the kids who had achieved the grades. I guess I felt rejection. I felt inadequate. I can’t remember the details but someone must have told me to look into doing a BTEC. An inferior qualification. I remember being a grumpy teenager listening to the course leader tell me about Media Production. I grumpily applied for the course because I had no where else to go. Surprisingly I enjoyed the course. In my last year of college everyone was applying for UCAS. I spent my EMA and somehow couldn’t afford paying the UCAS fee. I assume my mom wasn’t interested in helping or more likely didn’t have the money. I doubt she even knew what was going on. Anyway I missed the UCAS deadline. I had no place in the world. No one was expecting me.

Following this I spent 2 years doing nothing. I only noticed how bad this seems when my old boss was trying to help me find other employment. She asked what I had been doing during that large gap. What had I been doing? How had I passed the time? I only know that those 2 years were unhappy. I lived with my mom. We were both on the dole. Woo! Wine was always on mom’s shopping list. Shall we buy extra cat food so I don’t have to go to the shop tomorrow? No, we can’t afford it but let’s get this bottle of red. Alcohol. I soon learnt that this was the way out. A way to cope with any situation. Birthday? Drink. No money in the bank? Drink. Break-up? Drink. Everything seemed lighter with a drink.

When I was 19 I applied for an Access To Higher Education course at Cannock, I wanted to do psychology and English. This course would get me into university. Back on track. I had been given another life line. I went to the induction and everyone was a mom it seemed, wanting to do midwifery. I was never going to fit in and it’s just as well. I couldn’t enrol because I didn’t have any relevant benefits. You had to be a mother on benefits or had to have your rent paid by the Council. You had to prove your lack of independence. It wasn’t enough to be a pathetic 19 year old desperate to change her life. That day I drank until my failure was amusing.

Less than a year on I applied for an apprenticeship at Wolgarston High School. This was a game changer. I got the job and I had never felt such elation before. I wanted to jump up and down on my bed. I had something. I was wanted. Things would get better. In the beginning I didn’t like my job, I wasn’t given much work and the work I was given was menial. I would fall asleep at my desk and dread the following day once I got home. Soon after the start of my job my mom and sister decided to move to Liverpool. I couldn’t go with them, I finally belonged somewhere. I needed the experience and the qualification. They left. I had to live on my brother’s sofa. After a while things got better, I had a proper job but paid fuck all for it (£2.80 an hour because I just wasn’t worth anything). I couldn’t do anything with my wages but I stuck at it. Thinking back now I’m proud of that struggle. During a process meeting with my managers I was told I wasn’t going to be kept on. That hit me hard so I hit the bottle just as hard. A few days on I made myself snap out of it. I had a plan. Be the best. I worked hard. I spit polished some shoes. I said yes and I fucking smiled. After a few months I was offered an extension and a chance to achieve the next qualification. Yes! I was utterly delighted. I was that bright cherry atop of whipped cream, sat there all smug. I was on my highest of highs.

Late in 2014 my relationship broke down. Everything went wrong for me. I had no support around me. My comfort blanket of a life was torn from beneath me and I was alone. I went back to live with my brother. I drank everyday. Wine bottles adorned the floor. That whole time is a story in itself. I was lost. After 3 meetings at work I lost my job. Another story.

With some encouragement I decided to go to university. I applied for a foundation degree in psychology. To my absolute delight, I was offered a place. I was pregnant in January 2016. I planned to take a year out to look after the baby then I was going back. No big deal. Later on I decided I didn’t want to go back because 3 more years of psychology wasn’t actually going to get me anywhere. Not a defeatist attitude but a realistic one. Despite this I changed my mind again. I was reading a psychological thriller 2-3 months ago and I found the perfect course and it’s a post-graduate. It’s the most unusual course as it doesn’t require an undergraduate. It practically leads to a counselling job. I desperately wanted to be on the course so I applied instantly. I read that I would be sent a questionnaire as part of my application and I could hardly wait. I even called to ask about when I’d receive it. Over a week ago I was accepted onto the course. Think of a huge, fat cherry this time. A perky son-of-a-bitch. I had to figure out how I would pay for the course. It turns out that The Student Loan Company don’t fund the course. No matter though because Mike and I had already discussed that we would be able to pay the course. The trouble is is that the course fees for the first year are £2500 and childcare fees are £76 a week and thus around £300 a month. After the first year I could get a post-graduate loan but that means nothing if I can’t pay for the first year.

I’ve thought of everything. I’ve thought we can manage. I’ve thought of getting a loan. I’ve thought of getting a weekend job/ I’ve thought of getting a full-time job and putting Eva into full time nursery. I’ve applied for arround 10 jobs. Eva hasn’t been weaned yet and that’s a slow process so she’s not ready for nursery. I’m not ready for her to go either. Not matter how I look at it we can’t afford the fees. A £200 deposit has to be paid by Wednesday and Mike won’t pay it unless we find a way to pay for the 10 payments that the £2500 has been split into and the nursery fees.

I need to let my dream go but I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to be an ordinary mom. I don’t know how to be a housewife. I needed this course. Everything has prevented me from doing it and I keep telling myself to fight. Don’t let this slip away. Fight like you always have. I don’t know how to live my life if I know it’s not going anywhere. I have days left until this opportunity slips away along with my hope…


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An Opportunity and Behind Closed Doors

First, my good news. I got a place on the Keele Counselling course! If I work hard I will be able to on to achieve a Masters which is included in the 3 year course. I’m going to be so focused. I feel like I’m already a step closer to having a career. I hope to take my gorgeous girl to Disneyland when she’s older.

 My course starts with a weekend residential, which is odd, I’ve never known a course start that way but I’m excited. I’m going to miss Eva so much. I miss her 10 minutes after she’s gone to bed…

I was very happy to receive that email today.

Behind Closed Doors

Our story starts with a couple’s dinner party in the luxury home of Jack and Grace Angel. A couple new to the area, Esther and Rufus along with Diane and Adam join the happy couple on their gorgeous home. Esther has many questions for Jack and Grace. They can’t be perfect and she’s not convinced. Keeping a watchful eye, she looks for cracks. Everyone else who knows Jack and Grace admire their happiness, love and success. 

Very early on we find out exactly why they’re not perfect which you would think would be a disappointment. No, the story actually retains its mystery in other ways. 

The story unravels and we learn how the couple met and we soon discover that Grace isn’t as enviously happy as she seems.

We dip in and out of the present and the past. Each glimpse is as fascinating as the previous. At one point I was outraged to have the past story ripped away from me but soon I forgot about that because the present was also captivating. 

I have never felt such wretched anger towards a fictional character before. I was frustrated all the way through but on the edge of my seat as they say. This book will hold you prisoner until you’ve finished it.

An absolutely riveting read.


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A Question of Morals: A Dating Lie

I’ve wondered for a while now; if you were on a dating site is it okay to lie about having children? I mean if you have a child is it okay to state that you don’t? The other way around would be just weird.

Your first thought in response to this controversial question might be ‘no, you absolutely can’t lie about that!’. Which I think is a reasonable reaction. However, say that you choose to click ‘no children’ and you meet a nice person and after chatting to them for a few hours you tell them that you have a child. The nice person likes you enough to be understanding about your lie and also likes you enough to meet you again. Is it so bad? I think this is possibly okay. I don’t think it’s okay to see someone several times over a period of a month or two then confess that you have children. This is too far. You should never be someone you’re not to be loved, it’s not fair on the other person. I have some experience in this myself. 

The problem with saying that you don’t have children is that the right person for you might dismiss you before meeting you. I don’t think I could date someone who had a child because it would be messy. The ex would be around too much and I would struggle connecting with the child. A constant memory of their life together. I know many people are okay with this though and I think that’s good. People shouldn’t be defined by being a parent. That person is still an individual.

I rarely condone lying, I usually despise deceit but this is a tough one.

What do you think?

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My Family and The Break Down

I’m sat in Starbucks because it’s swimming day for me and Eva. I love taking her to a baby group, she’s going to be an excellent swimmer quite young. I can’t wait for her underwater photo shoot in May. The photo is going up on our wall and I’m printing a copy for my dad and for my nan. It’s nice to have people who would like a copy. Recently I took some photos to my nan for her to keep. I got to take a good picture of her holding Eva so I’m going to print that whilst I’m out today along with some of the photos I took on Saturday; we went for our first family walk at Downs Banks. I got some lovely photos of Mike and Eva. I also got a photo of the 3 of us, only it turned out to be mostly Mike but it’s special nevertheless. When Eva is old enough I’m going to buy her some brightly coloured wellies and we’ll go for walks rain or shine. As I might have mentioned in a previous blog I want to go camping so in summer 2018 we will start going on camping trips.

I wish to instil active skills into Eva. Starting with swimming. Eventually I will take her for kayak training when she’s old enough. 

I’ve always been quite ambitious so I never thought I would be a mother at the age of 24 but I’m so glad I have Eva. I never knew I could love anyone so much. I never understood being a parent and I never had any appreciation for family until I met my favourite person. The day she was born was incredible. She stared at me quite calmly for an hour. I’ve never been a family person until now and I will have a lot of time for those within my family who aren’t hostile or cold. 

I used to find it annoying that people take so many photos of their children. Now I do that most days. I’m her personal photographer. I have no shame in that. I have hundreds of photos of her. Even the crappy shots have value to me. I got a gorgeous photo of Mike holding Eva that I’m going to print off along with the photos of my nan. I think maybe I’ll frame it as a little surprise for him. 

Anyway, lets move on to fiction and wrap this up.

I finished reading The Break Down yesterday and I’m going to rate it 3.5. This one starts off how every psychological thriller should start, mysterious. Questions from the first page are vital. I want to be confused all the way through that bitch. I want my brow to be furrowed for hours. Then I want to think I’ve got it cracked but I want to be completely wrong and I was with The Break Down so it did its job. I’m only giving this a 3.5 because it’s quite slow and a little eventless. I also didn’t connect with the lead character, Cass, in fact she annoyed me mostly. Despite this it was mostly well written, I say mostly because I find the occasional non-linear format to be pointless and I usually love non-linear! It went like this: some mundane-ish shit happened on Monday, then we move onto Tuesday, oh wait back to some other shit from Monday. Bleh. I found Cass annoying because she holds back when she should of told her husband or her best friend what was plaguing her so much. Or… should she? Hmm. I can’t relate to her. I would of told my husband and best friend why I was losing my shit. It wasn’t her fault. And also,  unplug that god damn phone! 

Despite my negative mini review the twist was decent and I enjoyed this read. 

I have started reading Behind Closed Doors by the same writer. It was advertised at the end of The Break Down. I already bought another novel but I’m too intrigued by this one.

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Escape from Reality

Most people have an escape. A pleasant place to go. A hobby. A passion.

Mine is the world of psychological thrillers.

I’m half way through my third novel of the year and each have been the same type. I wish I found these kind of stories sooner. I love them. I’m a little worried that they’re going to make me paranoid but they’re becoming an inspiration.

I’m working on fiction of my own and there’s very little I love more than peeking into the box.

It’s perhaps a long-term obsession. Writing is the one place that I revisit over and over. 

I mentioned before that my idea for a novel has a strong feel to it. I feel compelled to write it. I wasn’t really sure what my twist would be but it’s just come to me today. It’s a simple one but I’m happy with it nevertheless. It’s currently missing one component though, like the other half of the plot twist. That will come in time. I just wish I had the time to write it. Maybe once I’ve finished reading The Break Down I’ll continue my “work”. I feel excited when I think about creating this world, but maybe I’m too afraid to ruin the dream, maybe that’s why I haven’t wrote much. It’s difficult at the moment because although I’m at home a lot I don’t have the freedom to do what I want. 

Life has been quite tough for me lately. I have a story but I don’t want to tell it. I’ve lost people and sometimes I feel quite alone. I don’t really have any family, Eva doesn’t have grandparents obsessing over her like most babies do. What am I going to tell her when she’s older? I don’t know why she has no family. I don’t know why two out of three uncles haven’t met her. The family thing…it breaks my heart.

Several weeks ago I confronted Mike’s mom about why she doesn’t see Eva. She barely said anything back to my forced-calm texts. I wanted to go bat-shit. When I finally let myself ask what was up I wanted to really fucking vent. I didn’t, I kept my cool but I know now that they will never be around for Eva. I just don’t know why and I don’t know how to deal with that. I really don’t. We saw them in Stafford not too long after my texts and we just continued walking. It’s awful and I feel like shit. I will never forgive them. 

I also lost a close friend recently. She’s made the decision to block me and I’m at a loss here. I don’t know if I can forgive her if she ever sees some sense. Have I really lost much though? I’m not sure. I don’t want to publicly slate someone so I won’t delve too much into it. I can’t pretend that I don’t have opinions when you were being the way you were. You’re no friend of mine and you’re certainly not now. It’s funny, I’ve never fallen out with someone that way before. I won’t take shit from anyone, not anymore. She’s deluded and I guess I’m angry because she’s walked away rather than fought for the years we’ve had. I’m not upset, I’m just a bit angry at the situation. It’s just stupid to me.

I think if I can create my own world I can vent there. I can take some control back. 

I bought a larger diary recently. I wanted a place to write down how I feel and I had some negative thoughts that day. Instead of writing about what was bothering me I wrote about only positive things that happened that day. I can’t figure out if that’s useful or not. Is it good to block out the bad?

I’m the kind of person who is an open book. I almost admire those who have some mystery to them but I don’t. Nothing is hidden with me and I’m dealing with a lot. I’m glad I’m an open book after the shit I’ve had the go through. I prefer the way I am to the shit that you are. One day I’ll be free of all this shit. 

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