Lurker

I’m suddenly feeling very alone. One nosy moment and my mood is changed. It’s a loss that I don’t like to acknowledge because it was a rejection that impacted me, no matter how much I bottle it up. Not only that but the nosiness has made me realise how alone I am now.

I sometimes wish I could be simple and just appreciate what I’ve got. But loneliness is a tricky one, it’s not easily quelled by money or hobbies. It festers in a dark corner, it’s unreachable. I can’t grab it. I can hardly comprehend it’s presence but it’s lurking and it always feels hard to acquaint.

I started a new job on Tuesday and I’m enjoying it (to a point) but even that doesn’t offend my lurking friend. All it takes is one moment of comparing myself to almost anyone and my dark friend steps a little closer. I’m still making ASMR videos and I’ve now got an Instagram account and Twitter too and I often interact with other people who make ASMR videos but that isn’t the same as having a bunch of “real friends”. Sometimes I just fancy a bottle of wine and a smoke and to let my old me in just for a few hours. I kind of liked that crazy bitch sometimes. I liked being able to just sink. Maybe I got so used to sinking…

(I’m all good, just letting some emotion out)

 

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