I’ve just seen a status on Facebook. Someone is off to Download festival in the morning. I’m not huge on metal anymore but I wish I was going. I wish I was packing my bag right now, getting my wellies out etc. I wish my life was different. 5 carefree days ahead in the mud, in the liberating madness. Without a care in the world. With a bunch of close friends.
Instead I’m here living out my life, not knowing how to be happy. Not knowing if I’ll be okay.
I wish I had seen a glimpse into my future. If I had seen things could be very different right now.
I don’t know how to fix this mess. Nothing leads to happiness.
The past two years have been a huge mistake. What’s worse is that I knew I was making a mistake. I still have my story and despite the insensitivity of writing it here I think I will one day so that a few people can understand what I’ve been through. Then maybe I will feel a little comforted knowing that people know.
The relationship part of my life is over for now unless I find myself in a fairytale-like situation. Now my life is firstly about making things better and secondly about enjoying my life and finding happiness and independence alone.
I’m not heart-broken because I could never entirely invest in that relationship. It has never worked. I’m meant to tell people that I played a part and that’s part of the long story. I’m hurt, of course, and I’m feeling a sense of loss. Mostly though I’m entirely lost in life. I’ve never really lived. As an adult life has been all about relationships and I’ve never really lived a life being alone which I think is vital.
This has been a brief and pointless post I guess but I don’t have anyone I want to talk to about any of this.