Most people have an escape. A pleasant place to go. A hobby. A passion.
Mine is the world of psychological thrillers.
I’m half way through my third novel of the year and each have been the same type. I wish I found these kind of stories sooner. I love them. I’m a little worried that they’re going to make me paranoid but they’re becoming an inspiration.
I’m working on fiction of my own and there’s very little I love more than peeking into the box.
It’s perhaps a long-term obsession. Writing is the one place that I revisit over and over.
I mentioned before that my idea for a novel has a strong feel to it. I feel compelled to write it. I wasn’t really sure what my twist would be but it’s just come to me today. It’s a simple one but I’m happy with it nevertheless. It’s currently missing one component though, like the other half of the plot twist. That will come in time. I just wish I had the time to write it. Maybe once I’ve finished reading The Break Down I’ll continue my “work”. I feel excited when I think about creating this world, but maybe I’m too afraid to ruin the dream, maybe that’s why I haven’t wrote much. It’s difficult at the moment because although I’m at home a lot I don’t have the freedom to do what I want.
Life has been quite tough for me lately. I have a story but I don’t want to tell it. I’ve lost people and sometimes I feel quite alone. I don’t really have any family, Eva doesn’t have grandparents obsessing over her like most babies do. What am I going to tell her when she’s older? I don’t know why she has no family. I don’t know why two out of three uncles haven’t met her. The family thing…it breaks my heart.
Several weeks ago I confronted Mike’s mom about why she doesn’t see Eva. She barely said anything back to my forced-calm texts. I wanted to go bat-shit. When I finally let myself ask what was up I wanted to really fucking vent. I didn’t, I kept my cool but I know now that they will never be around for Eva. I just don’t know why and I don’t know how to deal with that. I really don’t. We saw them in Stafford not too long after my texts and we just continued walking. It’s awful and I feel like shit. I will never forgive them.
I also lost a close friend recently. She’s made the decision to block me and I’m at a loss here. I don’t know if I can forgive her if she ever sees some sense. Have I really lost much though? I’m not sure. I don’t want to publicly slate someone so I won’t delve too much into it. I can’t pretend that I don’t have opinions when you were being the way you were. You’re no friend of mine and you’re certainly not now. It’s funny, I’ve never fallen out with someone that way before. I won’t take shit from anyone, not anymore. She’s deluded and I guess I’m angry because she’s walked away rather than fought for the years we’ve had. I’m not upset, I’m just a bit angry at the situation. It’s just stupid to me.
I think if I can create my own world I can vent there. I can take some control back.
I bought a larger diary recently. I wanted a place to write down how I feel and I had some negative thoughts that day. Instead of writing about what was bothering me I wrote about only positive things that happened that day. I can’t figure out if that’s useful or not. Is it good to block out the bad?
I’m the kind of person who is an open book. I almost admire those who have some mystery to them but I don’t. Nothing is hidden with me and I’m dealing with a lot. I’m glad I’m an open book after the shit I’ve had the go through. I prefer the way I am to the shit that you are. One day I’ll be free of all this shit.