Choose your own path. Choose yourself. Choose honesty.
Recently everything was engulfed in flame. Flames have licked at the edges of the pages for quite some time now. I opened the book up to the darkest pages and I let everyone read. People adore a problem, particularly if it’s not their own. A delious, dark problem. Eyes light up in the darkness.
I sit in the centre of a circle. People are whispering all around.
The truth is I want to get up, get out of the circle and pass everyone by without a glance back at the chaos.
People ought to focus on their own demons. I have enough to deal with without people getting excited and nosy about my life.
The people that are throwing their judgements around are a mess. Sit and gossip, sit aaaand gossip. I insist. Enjoy yourselves. I suppose I should be a little flattered if nothing else.
My mom is a bitch. She’s an out-of-control bitch. She started yet another argument with me today and ended it “c.ya wouldnt want to be ya”. Then she has blocked me AGAIN. It’s an upgrade from her “hurt.com” last year.You know what? Get the fuck away from me you disgraceful woman. I don’t recognise you as family. You ruined my entire childhood, you selfish, neglectful bitch. So shove your bullshit, worthless thoughts up your ass. Your attempts at creating a snowballing problem with others has failed you. I saw family yesterday, my nan, her partner, my aunty and uncle. It was a pleasure to see a normal family. A beautiful home. The most welcoming people in the world. I could of had such a better life if I had been their daughter. My aunty is the polar opposite of my mom. How is it even possible? I will always wonder how they are so different.
Everything that comes out of my mom’s mouth is toxic and childish. She’s a walking disease, spreading her hate.
Spread away! Enjoy it. I’m turning my back on you. And my hateful sister who said ‘You’ve done nothing but fail. At relationships, education, driving, everything. So don’t you dare compare your joke of a life to mine’ Most people have failed relationships and I don’t really count the first two. The last one failed, yes. A lot of it was my fault, I know that but it’s okay that it didn’t work out. Education, yes, I was crap there. I was never encouraged to do anything, I never had any parents around to guide me. But I have my two NVQ’s and a 2:1 in my foundation year. I applied for a 3 year counselling course and I believe I could be good at that. Education isn’t over. Driving, at least I CAN drive! You haven’t even taken a lesson in your life. It’s absurd how long it’s taking but I will get back up to speed soon with lessons at weekends or evenings. I will drive, you hateful, negative whore. And as for the everything bit, look at my house, my gorgeous daughter, look at my never-ending ambition and positivity. Live a week in my shoes and tell me how I’ve failed. You’re just like mom.
I don’t need anyone else backing me. A few hours with normal decent people yesterday reminded me that I’m right about my mom. So she can say what she wants about me and my life. It won’t have an impact.
According to my nan and aunty I look really happy. I’m doing so much better.
The truth is I used to be a mess ruled by a crazy internal monster. I’m not anymore. All this writing and bad language is just me venting weeks of shit.
I will continue with my life. I have my friends, a few members of family who aren’t so hateful and toxic, I have my baby, our Water Babies swimming lessons, I have her smile everyday, I have my education, ambition, drive.
I don’t need negative people. I don’t need a mom who fell out with me immediately after labour for telling my dad Eva’s birth weight…
She has never, ever been supportive of me.
I’m going to be one of those people that won’t have anything to do with their mom and people will wonder how I can be so cold. If they saw a series of memories they would understand.
Anyway, Trainspotting 2 is brilliant! 😀