A Flurry of Thoughts

One doesn’t need one’s thoughts to flow from one to the other in a neat display of one’s mind…

Good evening.

Just as I am, I will be.

I sometimes lack any direction when I open up a new post page. I just want to write, it’s odd really. Why would I start when I don’t know where I’m going? To be frank, I never know where I’m going.

I seldom sit alone in my bedroom but tonight I have taken two books, one novel and one sought-of biography and my big notebook with me to my room. Of course I’m not exactly alone, there is a 6 week old baby in her moses basket listening to The Snowman. Just this moment I have decided not to lose myself. Maybe that’s why I’m here right now with my laptop, books and notebook, “alone”. My brother once said to me something that will stay with me: Never rely on someone else for your own happiness. I think that is the best advice I have been given. Do with that as you will.

I want to type whatever I’m thinking. I want to express things that I enjoy in life. Right now, I’m 24, it’s a Thursday evening and my mood is calm. I’m content. I’m forever full of dreams. I seek relaxation. ASMR, look it up. This moves me right onto The Snowman. I think it was two Christmases ago, or Christmas 2014. My life was so different then. It was a different life. I woke up on Christmas morning weighed down by solitude, I was weighed down by the previous months and the understanding that despite reconciling a damaged relationship, I was alone. I can’t recall the time but I remember what I watched on TV, I stumbled upon The Snowman and the Snowdog. To my knowledge I hadn’t watched it before. It meant nothing, all I knew was that high-pitched voice, the ‘Walking in the Air’ song and the video of the flying snowman which I always found to be a little eerie. However, I left The Snowman and the Snowdog on and I really enjoyed it. I felt relaxed. Feeling intense peacefulness helps me feel less alone or at least temporarily forget abiut myproblems. I have a little love for The Snowman now so today I bought Eva a little Snowman of her own, though I probably like it more than she does right now…

I’ve been thinking about Harry Potter lately. I’m looking forward to seeing Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them soon. It all got me thinking about how magical my childhood was because of Harry Potter. I want that for Eva, I want her to feel that excitement. I thought about the story that I’m working on and my heart sank because it’s not magical, it’s harsh reality instead. I think some creations are brilliant, they take you far away from the harsh light and plunge you into another world. If a creation of some sort makes you happy then it’s not silly or childish, embrace what you enjoy. From a young age most people are taught to enjoy their imagination so take it with you.

Hmm what to do with my life… I sometimes envy other people who seem to have their shit together. I don’t, all of my shit is all over the place. My shit is in such a whirlwind that some of it hit the fan. I look at other people and I want that, whatever “that” is. Some people did everything right, it’s as if they followed life’s guidelines. If there is such a thing I lost my copy and I’ve been improvising.

I love being a dreamer. I create magic of my own. I have various fantasy futures. One of which I’m a successful writer. I’ve managed to create a world that people are captivated by. In another I have my own business, I make extraordinary celebration cakes that make me a small fortune. I am a creator. I just haven’t created anything yet… In my head I’m really killing it…

Right…The gym…I’m coming for you. Well, perhaps next year. I love the thought of being one of those strangers you see, with my gym bag in tow, sporting my pristine gym outfit and peddling away furiously to booming, upbeat music. Maybe I could start with those sit-ups I’ve been planning to do for 3 weeks now…

I’m not entirely sure I want to read or write now, maybe a blog is enough.

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2 Responses to A Flurry of Thoughts

  1. dazz22 says:

    It’s also the best advice I was ever given. We can make ourselves happy. But people are generally unreliable. You sound quite pensive today, hope all is ok

    • TheCreator says:

      I think about that quite often, then I start thinking about how successful I could be if I worked hard and that makes everything better. Ah I’m okay, I stay at home too much is all.

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