March 2015

Reading ignites a spark in me. A wave of thoughts deeper than normal.

I think I have found something good. If I was looking, I would say this is it. I’m disappointed in myself though because I’m usually too focused on my own thoughts. I’m a dweller. Last night I was watching British TV drama ‘Skins’, at the beginning of one of the episodes a character has a small monologue that I liked ‘One thing I’ve learnt is that you should never look back. The past is dead and buried, you get nothing from living there. It’s all about today. But I’ve been having these dreams, in them nothing is real, nothing is solid; everything is fantasy. Fucked. An illusion. In these dreams I’m a life that’s already gone by. Today means nothing. Today is just a ghost that’s haunting me.’ If only it was so easy…

Anyway, I have found books that I’m enjoying. I had this thought that if books deserved to be made into films, it should be this trilogy, not the likes of Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey is a disappointment to those with an average IQ. To think that the writer is filthy rich for badly written pornography is beyond me. 

I like the dedications in the books, the first one is ‘For those who dare to hope’, the second one is ‘For all those who find themselves well and truly alone.’ Reading those two lines feels like the writer knows how I feel, it’s a small comfort. The novels themselves convey love and loss in a fantasy-esque world. The first novel ‘Wool’ is gripping at page one, surprisingly so many novels take pages to draw you in, that should never be the case. I can’t say loads about the novels because I’ve not read enough. That’s me though. Unfocused. I’m writing about them because I think and hope that the 3 part journey is going to impressive and I’m hoping it will be good enough to stay with me. I want these novels to pull me in. A good novel should jerk your emotions from one extreme to the other. ‘Wool’ is mystery, crime and fantasy. I don’t have loads to say right now on it, but if you’re in need of an escape from reality, go there.


What a strange thing. Everyone seeks it. It often alludes me. I’m starting to understand that happiness starts from within. I don’t think I have ever been truly happy for a long period of time. I think that is because I’m not happy with myself. Which causes another problem, how do I become happy with myself if I never have been? I think a good place to start is to think about positive things that you are doing, have done or positive traits that you have. There must be something. 

For me, I enjoy writing. Writing is productive and creative. I can write about myself, I can write honestly. And you read it. That means that I’m open with others also. Which I believe to be a good thing. I don’t sit and fret about what you will think of me after I have written about my life. I actually feel less alone knowing you read this, even if you think negatively of me in some way. I’m okay with that. 

I also have a good job and a car. I’m very close to actually being able to drive it too! 

I have ambitions. They’re forever changing and I don’t have a dream job to strive for but having ambition is enough for now, some people don’t even have that.

I have my negative traits too. They hold me back. I don’t know when I’ll let them go. With my good and bad points together, I’m in a loop of happy and angry. That’s not the way I want to stay.

I’ll leave negative there for now…

This month I stand to gain two great achievements. I’m excicted about the possibilties that these two achievements with bring with them. I have just taken my NVQ level 3 exams, on Friday. And my driving test is very soon. It’s strange; my driving test and the end date for my apprenticeship are on the same day. It’s going to be great to have a normal job title; I have been an apprentice for two and a half years. I feel like I’ve grown so much since I started and I’m proud of that.

There is nothing for me to be afraid of. If I fail my driving test, it’s okay. It will be tough no matter what but it’ll be fine.

I think those who can drive at 17 take it for granted. It’s more than getting from A to B to me, it’s freedom. It’s an achievement. It means I can do more. I can get in my car and go to see my friends and family. When I need space I can go or a drive. I can go on weekend trips away. I can go to the shops much easier and stock up on food. It will be amazing and I will appreciate it.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it but my first of many breaks away will be to Scotland, Perthshire. I’m really looking forward to it. I wish I had a close friend who wanted to do the same thing as much as me, that would be amazing. For now these trips won’t be as often as I would like. In time I hope to go away every couple of months.

For those who are unhappy, try to see some good within yourself. Most of all, try to calm your thoughts, for what you feel now is temporary…

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