I’m feeling a little lost. I think I have always been a little lost. All I want right now is to be alone. But I can’t even have that. I’m living in one person’s house to another. It feels degrading. I would love a whole week alone. I’ve never wanted to be on my own so much. I can’t be alone though, I don’t have a bedroom or a home.
People kick me when I’m down but I know it wasn’t about doing that. I get it to a certain extent but I’m also angry. Does it matter to others what I feel? At all? Does it matter that my life was already at a low? I’m thinking what next? Maybe my mom will kick me out too, that’d be fun. Maybe there’ll be nothing at all left. No one else to resent by the end of 2015. Perhaps that is freedom; letting go of everything. Being free of sentiment and attachment.
I don’t want to go into work next week. I need to get away. I wish I could use my wages to take a break from my life. I can’t, I can’t use my money for anything other than my current goal which always feels slightly out of reach. I feel like I’m kidding myself that I can achieve.
I’ll go into work, fake a smile and try to focus. I’m seriously considering moving away soon. My contract is up in March, if I find the strengh I might just leave. Although, I feel like I’m being weak, I know I have so much strength in me.
Throw at me what you will, I’ll come back from it.