Lost

I’m feeling a little lost. I think I have always been a little lost. All I want right now is to be alone. But I can’t even have that. I’m living in one person’s house to another. It feels degrading. I would love a whole week alone. I’ve never wanted to be on my own so much. I can’t be alone though, I don’t have a bedroom or a home.

People kick me when I’m down but I know it wasn’t about doing that. I get it to a certain extent but I’m also angry. Does it matter to others what I feel? At all? Does it matter that my life was already at a low? I’m thinking what next? Maybe my mom will kick me out too, that’d be fun. Maybe there’ll be nothing at all left. No one else to resent by the end of 2015. Perhaps that is freedom; letting go of everything. Being free of sentiment and attachment.

I don’t want to go into work next week. I need to get away. I wish I could use my wages to take a break from my life. I can’t, I can’t use my money for anything other than my current goal which always feels slightly out of reach. I feel like I’m kidding myself that I can achieve.

I’ll go into work, fake a smile and try to focus. I’m seriously considering moving away soon. My contract is up in March, if I find the strengh I might just leave. Although, I feel like I’m being weak, I know I have so much strength in me.

Throw at me what you will, I’ll come back from it.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Lost

  1. dazz22 says:

    I understand. I’ve been in your situation. And it makes you stronger and then next time you better appreciate when someone’s trying to help you.
    I hate the row we had and felt so bad about it. But I just wanted equality. We both work, we both live there and things can work better for both of us. It felt like you only wanted the benefits for yourself. Like as long as you could sleep and get to work all is cool for you. I understand you’ve been through a lot. But emotions shouldn’t come into things like this. But anyway, I’m sorry for upsetting you. And I think you’ll be better off at Mum’s. You’ll be less bored and have more room. It was your aim to end up there after mine anyway. My place was never ideal. I wish you well anyway. You’ll be ok. You’ll pass your test and get your own place. I don’t want us to fall out though. You’re my sister and I’m always here. Sorry for everything. I handled things poorly. I am flawed

    • TheCreator says:

      I’m sorry I was being selfish. Unhappiness blinds you a little bit. I just thought that if I could drive quicker I could maybe be a bit happier so I was impatient and generally annoyed at life. It was never my intention to make you angry. Thank you for your apology, I appreciate that. We won’t fall out over this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s